Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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