Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
why do cheetos always look like penises
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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