Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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