yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
