Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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