he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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