i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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