You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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