A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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