I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
