can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
