How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
