my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
