On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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