I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
