youre lurking in front of me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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