I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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