Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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