Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
