i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
