after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
