Your face is a jimmy john
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
