the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
