i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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