I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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