I wish I could teleport
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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