I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
