I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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