Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
