cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
