I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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