I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize