Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
