Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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