i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
