"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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