i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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