Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
