Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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