I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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