Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
