wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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