I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
