Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
