I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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