I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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