I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
