i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
