If that was your dad, he is hot
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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