so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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