I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
