this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
