The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
