One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
