Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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