Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
