If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
